Brain my Hurts! The Bad Movie Topic.

[Zeta]

Ouch. I just got back from being dragged to anaconda by my parents.

My head literally started to HURT from the stupidity of the movie, not to mention the insipid - predictable plot. They didn't write this thing, people- they photocopied another script and changed a couple of names.

It's arguably the worst movie I've ever seen that was made in the past decade. Everything about it makes it seem like a made for TV movie.

The worst special effects I've seen since Jurassic Park was produced.

The most screwed up "facts" ever. This thing deserves to be a fairytale. It takes place in Asia, but apparently Scarlet Macaws live there - I was not notified of this. Several other African or South American animals are "featured" in obvious stock footage that heralds back to the days of "Leech Woman". The least they could've done was include some Asian animal stock footage in a movie that takes place in Asia. I wouldn't have been suprised to see shots of a kangaroo spliced in there.

Then there are the anacondas themselves. Yeah - apparently anacondas don't strangle their prey. Instead, anacondas are quicker than alligators - lashing out and tossing their prey in the air - and being able to catch it again. This is almost as bad as watching an alligator movie in which the reptiles kill their prey by shooting at them.

The result is animation that obviously looks unnatural - even to those who haven't studied animals.

And yes - anacondas ARE South American, also - not Asian.

Why did they set this movie in Asia again? There's a single Asian guy in the cast, but that's it.

Oh, and splashing a snake with a very small tank of gas can cause an explosion big enough to blow up 20 snakes in a canyon.

Oh, and who can forget the plot itself? Magical flower grants immortality, so naturally a man turned evil in the name of science betrays his companions to get it. Naturally he dies. Didn't this sort of plot become rote in 1957?

And damnit - the cast gets an annoying, comedy-relief pet monkey that eats up an INSANE amount of screentime. Seriously, about 1/4 of this movie has gotta be focused on the damn monkey alone.

And the acting, if you can call it that - was incredibly insipid. Moriss Chestnut is a pretty talented performer who almost manages to slog through the horrible script with a shred of dignity. However, the other characters are tolerable at best.

In particular - there's a character with a HORRIBLE southern accent, and a character with a GRUESOME British accent. Both are made arguably worse by the fact that the accents come and go - totally at random. Thus, their ear-rendering lingo sneaks up and ambushes the viewer - assaulting their sensibilities like Superman bitch-slapping a red-headed stepchild in K-Mart.

And to top it all off - there's the worst part of ANY bad horror movie.

The cowardly, wise-cracking, comedy-relief black guy who keeps on panicking and has to be saved by his betters (the whites, naturally). I thought I was going to puke at what was recognized as an offensive stereotype back in the '80s. But there he is - talking in ebonics and making jokes a 10-year old on heroin could see coming. This, of course - being inbred hicktown USA - the audience was cracking up. But there wasn't a single non-white person in the audience aside from myself - so that's problably saying something.

I managed to stomach cowardly, wise-cracking, comedy-relief black guy for the first 20 minutes by reassuring myself he would die early - he always does. But NO - he just kept on surviving, and surviving, and SURVIVING. When is this jackass going to DIE? By the last 15 minutes, I was praying for mercy - praying for the snakes who defy the laws of physics to put the annoying character out of my misery. But he SURVIVED. The damn idiot survived throughout the entire goddamn movie.

Making such witty one-liners as "That be a big ol' snake, dawg! Word up!". I was beginning to wish I had a brick with which to beat my own brains out.

But in the end - it was through. And I was left in a sickened daze. I've always been a fan of TRULY bad movies - but I lived in peace. Assured that the shitty scifi-horror dreck of the 1960s would never be featured in theaters again - regulated to the crappiness of Sci-Fi channel original movies.

How wrong I was.

How bloody wrong I was.

I now know how an HP Lovecraft character feels. I have looked into the abyss of the worst this generation's entertainment industry has to offer. And I survived.


But at WHAT PRICE?!








At what price?!

[WhoopA]

Anaconda... just how old is that movie again? I remember hearing of it when I was 10, 12 at the oldest...

[Zeta]

Whoops. Left out an "S"


"Anacondas".

See - it's the sequel. You can tell because an "s" has added. Aside from that - it's in no way related to the original.

Forgive my typo - my brain just got fucked.

[Ngangbius]

Well, it couldn't be as bad as Baby Geniuses 2*. How the hell did that get greenlighted we'll never know.

It's times like this that I wish that MST3K was still on the air.

The cowardly, wise-cracking, comedy-relief black guy who keeps on panicking and has to be saved by his betters (the whites, naturally). I thought I was going to puke at what was recognized as an offensive stereotype back in the '80s. But there he is - talking in ebonics and making jokes a 10-year old on heroin could see coming. This, of course - being inbred hicktown USA - the audience was cracking up. But there wasn't a single non-white person in the audience aside from myself - so that's problably saying something.

Was he played by Anthony Anderson or Chris Tucker?

(*)Posting the trailer to that piece of tripe is a bannable offense.

[chriscaffee]

Jurassic Park has awesome special effects.

[Grant]

Well, it couldn't be as bad as Baby Geniuses 2*. How the hell did that get greenlighted we'll never know.

Yeah, no kidding. Talk about your all time unnecessary sequels. You can throw in "The Mask 2" with that, too.

Of course, none of those even remotely compare to the endurance test that is "Going Overboard." I will always stand by my claim that it is undeniably The Worst Movie Ever. It's used as punishment for shoplifting in some third world countries. Kind of like marriage..


Light Speed, didn't you say before that you've seen this, too?

[Light Speed]

Yeah, about a half hour of it. I remember the first Anaconda movie being pretty cool, I was like 12 or something though.

[Neo Yi]

I saw the first Anaconda when I was like a kid, 12, maybe?

The worse recent movie I've seen was Princess Diaries 2. It must be my ego because after seeing good sequeals lately (Shrek 2, LoTR seris, Kill Bill 2, although the latter is truly one huge film), and seeing that the first movie was a cute, yet cleverly written movie, I got this crap with no charm as the original had and in one scene where I FINALLY hear Julie Andrews sing and halfway through, is blocked by another singer (Raven, is it?). Geez, what a BLANTANT way to sell her albums by singng her own song when I came here to see Julie Andrews sing!
~Neo

[Bo]

Brave to admit you watched that.

[plasticwingsband]

Movies I've seen recently seen:

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
Napoleon Dynamite (for the second time)
Nicotina
Garden State

Waiting to see:

Hero
Team America: World Police
Sideways
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Shaun of the Dead
I <3 Huckabees

Yup.

[Light Speed]

Hero kicked ass. I don't really get the whole water floating fight thingy, but I guess it's a chinese thing. Kickass movie anyway.

[j-man]

Shaun Of The Dead is fucking awesome.

[-wyvern]

Simon pegg is a genius. Everyone says Shaun is pure comedy, but it's actually factual (I know, I know, a factual movie about zombies, give it a break) - You have two twenty year old slobs who wake up and find the world is full of zombies. So? They do what I would do, they don't take it that seriously 'cause they aren't scientists or journalists or ex military surfer cops or harrison ford or whatever the stars of the other zombie movies are. They just muck around killing zombies, until suddenly it starts to go sour at the end, and they suddenly realise that it's not a game...

Don't get me wrong, it's very funny, but I felt guilty for laughing.

[BlazeHedgehog]

Man, I could've told you Anacondas would've been that bad. I saw <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118615/">the first one</A> on TV a few years ago and THAT was the worst movie ever. I mean, seriously, there's one scene where they're on this boat, right? And the boat is supposed to be backing up out of this cove with a waterfall or something...

So you know what they do? And I shit you not, about this.

<i>They run the film backwards.</i>

This wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't that damn waterfall in the shot, which, curiously, is now apparently flowing <i>uphill</i>. It's right, center stage, too. Like we wouldn't notice that?

It's got hilariously bad acting, too. J-Lo, Ice Cube, Jon Voight... they all provide such half-assed performances that it's actually kind of an amusing movie to watch.

Of course, from the sounds of things, the directors went "Hey, you know what? Anaconda wasn't a bad enough movie. Let's make a sequel! We'll make the worst movie ever concieved!"

[The Doc]

I love bad movies. They always give me a good laugh. But you can't talk about bad movies without mentioning three specific stinkers:

3) The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Good Lord. I'm tempted to just put the tag line from the trailer right here and move on to #1, but you'll need a little bit more. Even so, I think it's appropos that it's put here just so you have NO idea what the fuck is going on:

"Somewhere between Earth and Uranus, you'll find Pluto Nash."

Allow me to give myself an anuerysm and elaborate.

Pluto Nash (Eddie Murphy) is a club owner who is threatened by the mob to sell his club to their kingpin. Oh, and the club is on the moon. And it's got the worst special effects this side of a Disney Channel Original Movie.

First off, all you have to do is look at the character names to say "Just what the HELL was the writer smoking?!": Pluto Nash, Rex Crater...I only need two.

Next up is acting. Ohhhh, GOD, the acting. "Acting" like this will get you quartered in most countries. This movie was shelved and released (just) two years later, it's no fucking wonder Murphy never promoted it. In fact, this is considered by many to be the biggest box-office bomb ever. Ever. (It took

The only reason this movie isn't #1 here is because the set design was actually pretty good. It had that techno vibe that most people think about when they think of the future. But frankly, that's the only saving grace. The only reason this is on the list is because I've never seen Battlefield Earth (and I never will).

Then again, I've seen The Postman, so I guess that doesn't mean much.

2) No Holds Barred
I'm not ashamed to admit: I'm a lifelong professional wrestling fan. As such, when I was a three- and four-year-old wrestling fan in the late 1980's, I pretty much didn't have a choice but to be a huge fan of Hulk Hogan. So when this movie showed up, I was all "Hulk Hogan's in a movie? Oh, COOOOOOOL! I wanna see it! It'll be great!" Hell, on WWE TV (then WWF, but I feel like being politically correct right now), Gorilla Monsoon said that a fuckin' OSCAR was rumored for Mr. Bolea (Hogan's real name, dumbass). So the movie came out and I was all excited and such.

I knew it the first time I saw the movie and I knew it the last time I saw the movie: This "movie" is biblically horrific.

This was not a movie: this was just another bit of WWE merchandise on the "Hulkamania" gravy train. Factor in that it was produced by the wrestling company and you'll see what I mean.

World Wrestling Federation Champion Rip (The Huckster) is the most popular summbitch in the world 'cause he wears a turquoise belt to the ring and he can destroy any and all foes with his finishing move: the STINKY WART-INFESTED GIANT-KILLING OSCAR-WINNING LEGDROP OF DOOM~! (read: he jumps up and lands on his ass, landing his leg across his opponent's chest) The head of the World Television Network (original name, guys...) is royally pissed that Rip is causing his network to be in last place (OK, first of all, that honor goes to UPN. Secondly, I don't see how somebody on another channel makes YOUR network be in last place, but hey, I'm a psycho, so what do I know?).

Anyway, this dude (played by Kurt Fuller) wants Rip to come to the WTN even though there's no wrestling show on WTN and even though he's Hulk Hogan. Rip refuses, and Fuller pulls out of his ass what I honestly think to be the single best AND worst insult ever and proceeds to call Rip a "jock-ass". Couldn't make that up, folks.

Anyway, the President from The Fifth Element (Tony Lister) shows up as some half-assed crossed-eyed goatee-wearing bitch with a 'Z' shaved on the side of his head. He and Fuller die, which is always a fun site, but it couldn't save this piece of whale shit.

1) Swept Away
Motherfucker. Yes, I've actually dredged through this garbage. What of it?

Instead of telling you about the movie, allow me to tell you just what I'd rather do INSTEAD of WATCHING the movie:

*Stab myself in the eyes with a ball-point pen.
*Scrape my testicles to the tune of "Puttin' on the Ritz"
*Masturbate with sandpaper
8Have sex with that Carrot Top-lookin' summbitch from Napoleon Dynamite (which sucked, by the way)
*Shove Popcorn up my ass and have him take pictures
*Read "Harry Potter"
*Get ass-fucked by a cactus
*Play Custer's Revenge
*Play hockey using my dick as a stick
*Get a handjob from a Sinanju Master
*Get a blowjob from Dom Deluise
*Look at Dom Deluise
*Think about Dom Deluise
*Have sex with THIS FuckNut:



*Other _________________[/list]

[Dache]

Has anyone here seen House of the Dead? Anyone? Please?

[Squirrelknight]

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned Vin Diesel's clinker of a turd, xXX...

I had to sit through that once while I was over at a relative's house... God lord, the existence of that movie itself proves that there is no God. Vin Diesel, as always, acts like a talking plank, and poor, poor, usually bad-ass Samuel Jackson is relegated to playing some badly-scarred-99 cents store-version of Two Face. The rest of the cast is a parade of bad, forced European accents and over-acting.

In the beginning of the movie, Vin Diesel's character steals some senator's car, because the senator is old and white and unhip-- As obviously stated by the "Skateboarding IS a Crime" bumpersticker, and Vin Diesel goes into some monologue about videogames and skateboarding for some reason, and then he drives the car off of a bridge. He parachutes out of the car at the last second, unfortunatley, but I would have enjoyed the movie much more if his parachute failed and he died a slow death... It would've made for a much better movie.

Later on, Vin is taken to a Columbian drug lord's compund for no reason at all, and after escaping on a motorcycle, Vin gains the incredible power to launch his bike sixty feet into the air at will (Seriously, he does it like five times in the same chase, without the use of ramps or anything)... Argh, just remembering that movie makes my head hurt.

Oh, and pretty much every movie by, or even vaguely associated with Jerry Bruckheimer is a piece of shit too. When I die, write a message on my body and drop me on some church.

[plasticwingsband]

Battlefield Earth is the worst movie I've ever see. Ever.

Napoleon Dynamite (which sucked, by the way)

This statement is not true. ND was an awesome movie.

[Guest]

You're forgetting two movies... and, actually, the WORST movie ever.

First: House of the Dead. Possible the worst movie ever. I mean, c'mon!!! The characters are lame, the msic stinks, the acting is BAD, the plot (if any) sucks, and EVERYTHING is just a piece of garbage.

Just watch it, I say. Watch it, and die.

And, the other movie: Plan 9 from Outer space. Actually, the movie is kindda cheesy, but still sucks.

BTW, the WORST THING EVER: Daikatana.

It makes Anacondas look like a masterpiece.

[Protodude]

It's used as punishment for shoplifting in some third world countries. Kind of like marriage..

Wayne's World, only seen it a million times. Hilarious.

I haven't seen a lot of bad movies (or if I have I blocked them out of my memory) but XXX is pretty bad, so is Anaconda, and one of the Species movies (forgot which one). Oh, and crazy-beautiful too. GOD that movie sucked

[Ash Holt]

Chronicles of Riddick was pretty shitty.

Especially the whole outrunning sunrise thing. There are more things wrong with that scene alone than the entire rest of the movie.

[Brazillian Cara]

Anaconda was an offense to snakes (specially anacondas- or sucuris)
the same way Jaws was for sharks. In fact, any american production staged in Brazil sucks (except for Wild Orquide and 007-Moonraker).