The GHZ Presents: The Aristocrats!

[Grant]

I saw that comedy documentary The Aristocrats a few weeks ago. It's the one where a bunch of (mostly older) comedians take turns riffing and explaining the fun behind a famous dirty joke. The joke itself isn't actually very funny, but what you do with the middle parts is what makes it good or not.

Basically, it's a contest to see who has the dirtiest and most offensive mind. Knowing no other people as potty-brained as the GHZers, I thought this would be a worthy thread. For those that don't know, the actual joke is this:

A family walks into a talent agent's office. He asks them to show him their act.

A lot of filthy things happen. When it's over, the horrified talent agent asks the father, "and what do you call that?"

The father proudly answers, "The Aristocrats!"

Now that you know that, I'll start us off. I wrote this in like 5 minutes, so if this thread goes well, maybe I'll spend more time on another one that's a bit more thought out. In general, for the sake of the reader, try to avoid going much longer than I have.

A family walks into a talent agent's office. He asks them to show him their act.

The father asks him for a moment before they begin so they can ready themselves. Pulling a hacksaw out of his bag, he quickly saws off his son's legs from the knees down. Naturally, the father drops trou and fucks his agonized son's leg wounds, with blood and bone brittle dropping and flying all over the place. The other children poop their pants in excitement and the father orders them to bend over and await their turn. So, like one of those "bop a mole" arcade games, the father runs around sticking his wee-wee into various holes: his son's open wounds, and his other children's poopy assholes. Meanwhile, the very pregnant wife has a miscarriage while she fellates her 14 year old awkward son, who refuses to participate in the proceedings (as usual, parents HAVE to intervene). As the dead child flops to the ground, the slut of a 7 year old daughter inserts the entirety of the miscarried baby into her own young cunt, hoping more incubation will lead to a birth. However, the aroused 14 year old son doesn't want another sibling, and so he fucks his sister to the point of smashing the miscarried baby into little tiny bits of stuff. After a few hours, most of the family has been killed through horrible acts of debauchery and at the end, only the father is left standing alive.

The horrified talent agent asks, "And what do you call that?"

Proudly, the father answers, "The Aristocrats!"

[The T]

A family walks into a talent agent's office. He asks them to show him their act.

The father steps over the talent agent's computer, and begins typing in a few things. A site containing the words "The GHZ Forum" comes up. The horrified talent agent then asks the father, "and what do you call that?"

The father proudly answers, "The Aristocrats!"

[The Doc]

A family walks into a talent agent's office. He askes them to show him their act.

The father puts a videotape into the VCR and forces the agent to watch the entire animated movie about a stray cat who meets up with a spoiled cat and her children. The rich cats' owner passes away and is left her fortune, but her old butler attempts to steal it, but it's a Disney animated movie, so the animals defeat the evil human and live happily ever after.

The horrified talent agent asks, "And what do you call that?"

Proudly, the father answers, "The Aristocats!"

[Baba O'Reily]

A family walks into a talent agent's office. He asks them to show him their act.

The mother takes out an ice pick and furiously digs into her vagina, ripping out chunks of flesh and blood, moaning furiously all the while. She quickly digs through her cervix and moves on to slowly and systematically rip out her bowels.

Meanwhile, the son is in the corner, ripping his fingernails off and using them to scratch out the mother's eyes. All the while, the daughter is urinating on her mother's chest and furiously beating at her heart with a sledgehammer.

The father takes a shit on the mother's forehead, then rips his balls off and shoves them down her throat and gags her as the daughter finally breaks through the breastboneand begins smashing the mother's heart. The son then masturbates to the bloody remains of his mother's breasts.

The horrified talent agent asks, "And what do you call that?"

Proudly, the father answers, "The Aristocrats!"

[j-man]

Dude, this was on South Park.

[Gaz]

So it was!

[Grant]

Dude, this was on South Park.

Incidentally, that was in the movie. It's kind of the point.

[Light Speed]

Yeah, South Park made it for the movie. I live in Park City so I remember when this movie was at Sundance. I didn't ever see it, but I heard the guy spent like three years getting all these famous people to tell the joke, including the South Park guys.

[Grant]

That's surprising, because there were only a couple of A-list comedians, and most of them were older and aren't doing much these days. Young comics that are actually, you know, doing something were, apart from Sarah Silverman, mostly absent: Patton Oswalt, David Cross, Louis CK and Todd Barry would've been great additions.

[Light Speed]

It's just what I heard, I dunno how true it is. Since I never saw it, I don't really know who was in it.

[jenkins]

Basically, it's a contest to see who has the dirtiest and most offensive mind. Knowing no other people as potty-brained as the GHZers, I thought this would be a worthy thread.

You know us too well.

[Baba O'Reily]

Basically, it's a contest to see who has the dirtiest and most offensive mind. Knowing no other people as potty-brained as the GHZers, I thought this would be a worthy thread.

You know us too well.

What's this 'us' shit? Are you planning to turn in your posts to an English teacher and bask in the glory of your proper pronoun usage?

[Popcorn]

Basically, it's a contest to see who has the dirtiest and most offensive mind. Knowing no other people as potty-brained as the GHZers, I thought this would be a worthy thread.

You know us too well.

What's this 'us' shit? Are you planning to turn in your posts to an English teacher and bask in the glory of your proper pronoun usage?

What? He said the guy knows us too well. Us. There's lots of us.

[plasticwingsband]

Sarah Silverman is one jew i would definitely like to have intercourse with.

[Baba O'Reily]

Basically, it's a contest to see who has the dirtiest and most offensive mind. Knowing no other people as potty-brained as the GHZers, I thought this would be a worthy thread.

You know us too well.

What's this 'us' shit? Are you planning to turn in your posts to an English teacher and bask in the glory of your proper pronoun usage?

What? He said the guy knows us too well. Us. There's lots of us.

Does this mean you've accepted Jenkins into our archetypal e-society?

[Plorpus III]

A family walks into a talent agency, yadda yadda, you know the setup. The talent agent asks to see their act. The husband grabs his 13 year old daughter, throws her against the ground and proceeds to hammer nails through her hands and feet, nailing her to the ground. As she lays there, crying in pain, he hands each of his family members a sharpened scalpel. He proceeds to undress her and forcibly rape her. The family members each take turns cutting off pieces of her flesh with the scalpel and eating them. The man is brutally raping his daughter, and punches her in the face every time she screams. When he is about to finish, the son cuts open his sister's throat and his father ejaculates into the wound. He gets up, stomps on her face, then proceeds to inject himself with a hefty (but not lethal) dose of anesthetic. While he waits for it to take effect, the son takes his baby brother and anally violates him. The baby screams and cries as his insides are torn apart. The mother quiets the baby by squeezing his head up her vagina ad contracting her muscles with all her strength, snapping its neck. The son pulls out of his brother's anus and blows his load in the pupil of his mother's eye. The father, who has lost control of his bodily functions, urinates all over the others, and defacates all over the stage. He the takes a blender he brought along and sticks his penis into it. He blends it until it is a bloody mixture, somewhat similar to a warm, chunky smoothy. He drinks his newly made penis shake, places his mouth on his wife's asshole, and proceeds to vomit inside of her. The son takes a large chunk of his father's feces and smears it all over himself. The mother shits out her husband's vomit into her sons mouth. He carves a hole in her scull with his scalpel, and proceeds to rub his erect penis against her brain. She starts twitching and convulsing as the son speeds up his movement. He shoves his member into his mother's brain, piercing it. He squirts into the inside of her brain as she gives one last shudder, then dies. He cuts off her face and wears it like a mask. Running towards his father, he slips on a puddle of diarrhea and cracks his skull open on the stone floor. The father pulls out a pistol that he had inserted into his rectum prior to arriving at the agency and points it at the horrified talent agent. The agent shouts "What are you-"
"THE ARISTOCRATS!!!" screams the husband as he shoots the talent agent in the face, cuts open his abdomen and hangs himself with the agent's intestines.




Do I win?

[Delphine]

Does this mean you've accepted Jenkins into our archetypal e-society?

Godfuckingdamn, it's the <i>internet</i>.

[j-man]

Thank God.

I would like to just say that I refuse to participate in this competition, for one reason: anyone and everyone just goes for the gross-out, combine-sex-and-violence option. All the dads are fucking their daughters slit throats and coming in the son's ears and whatnot. It's all basically variations on a theme. I have a better contest - someone come up with a version of the joke that actually surprises me. I think it's a better contest because it involves me, and I'm awesome.

[Baba O'Reily]

Does this mean you've accepted Jenkins into our archetypal e-society?

Godfuckingdamn, it's the <i>internet</i>.

ARCHETYPAL E-SOCIETY