A joke

j-man · Post by **j-man** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 7:45 am

Good enough for me, sweetcheeks.

Knuckles Dawson · Post by **Knuckles Dawson** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:51 am

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and asks for
a drink. After a few minutes, the bartender hears
a phone ring. He sees the man lift up his hand and
start talking into it. When he stops talking, the
bartender asks,

"What are you doing?"

The man says, "I'm a telephone company executive.
I use the phone so much I got a phone implanted in
my hand."

Of course, the bartender didn't believe him, so
the man asked the bartender for the bar's phone
number. He punches it into his hand and the bar's
phone rings! The bartender can't believe this.
These two soon became good friends. About three
drinks later, the man asks where the bathroom is.
After about ten minutes, the bartender starts to
get worried and thinks that maybe he shorted out
his hand when he was washing his hands. The
bartender walks into the bathroom and sees the man
standing there with toilet paper crammed up his
butt.

The bartender asks, "What are you doing?"

The man says, "I'm just waiting for a fax."

chriscaffee · Post by **chriscaffee** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 12:12 pm

A guy goes into a bar and gets absolutely wasted. He tells the bar tender, I bet you fifty bucks I can pee in that shot glass and not get a drop on the counter. The bartender says "You're on."

The guy unzips and sprays all over the bar and the bartender starts laughing. The guy pissing joins in.

Afterwards the bartender says, "What's so funny, you lost?"

The guy responds "I bet that dude a hundred dollars that I could piss all over your bar and all you'd do is laugh."

Kishi · Post by **Kishi** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 2:53 pm

Desperado was still a pretty terrible movie.

VGJustice · Post by **VGJustice** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 6:49 pm

A woman was walking along the beach one day, and tripped over a lamp. A ginie poped out and stated in a booming voice, "I am an all knowing, wise ginie of the lamp. Because I am all knowing, I know that you hate your husband. But, because I am wise, I will give him twice what I give you. You have three wishes."

The woman thought for a moment, then said, "I wish I had 5 million dollars."

"Granted, your husband now has 10 million dollars."

She thought a bit again, then said, "I wish I was ten times as beautiful."

"Granted, your husband is now twenty times as handsome. What will you take for your final wish?"

"For my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death."

Kishi · Post by **Kishi** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 7:34 pm

The mother-in-law version is better since it doesn't need explaining that the guy hates her. That, and it doesn't have any unnerving allusions to domestic violence.

Omni Hunter · Post by **Omni Hunter** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 8:11 pm

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

How do we find an egg in all this shit?

Post by **Green Gibbon!** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:28 pm

How did the Catholic priest defend himself in court?

"Let the children come to me, that's what Jesus said."

The Doc · Post by **The Doc** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:49 pm

What is the difference between Wheaties and the Arizona Cardinals?

Wheaties belong in a bowl.

BURN.

ban ME · Post by **ban ME** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:37 am

a man confessed to a priest that he kissed a nun.

the priest's reply?

"that's ok, as long as you don't get into the habit."

---

for those who don't know what a nun's habit is:

chriscaffee · Post by **chriscaffee** » Mon Oct 03, 2005 12:06 pm

What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a Hoover?

The position of the dirtbag.

Brazillian Cara · Post by **Brazillian Cara** » Mon Oct 03, 2005 3:05 pm

-Honey...can you buy me a radio?
-Sure dear. What kind of radio do you want?
-Y'know...one of those that come with a car...

Post by **G.Silver** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 12:45 am

Two guys are in a bar getting drunk out of their minds. One of them says to the other, "there's this one building, you know, where the wind blows through the alleys just right that if you jump off, the wind will pick you up and you'll land right back on top of the building." The other guy says there's no way that could be, and bets 100 dollars that he's right. The first guy accepts, and they leave their money with the bartender.

At the building, the first guy jumps off, and just as he is about to hit the ground, WHOOSH he's inexplicably carried up through the air and lands exactly where he jumped from. The second guy is amazed, and can't wait to try it. He jumps off the building and splats dead into the pavement.

The first guy returns to the bar and collects the money, at which point the bartender remarks, "You're a real mean drunk, Superman."

Omni Hunter · Post by **Omni Hunter** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 8:58 am

What do you call a female police officer who shaves her pubes?

Cunt-stubble.

Grant · Post by **Grant** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 11:45 am

-Did you hear about the woman who's fat?
She's so fat, she had to go on a diet.

-Did you hear about the guy who was old?
He was so old, he was born a long time ago.

-Did you hear about the guy who was gay?
He was so gay, he liked men.

Post by **Segaholic2** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 4:28 pm

Amazing Grant wrote:-Did you hear about the woman who's fat?
She's so fat, she had to go on a diet.

-Did you hear about the guy who was old?
He was so old, he was born a long time ago.

-Did you hear about the guy who was gay?
He was so gay, he liked men.

I don't get it.

Post by **Green Gibbon!** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 4:49 pm

These two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

CM August · Post by **CM August** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 5:54 pm

gr4yJ4Y wrote:Three guys walk into a bar.

The fourth one ducks.

Goddamnit GG.

Post by **Green Gibbon!** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 5:58 pm

My delivery was better.

Post by **Crazy Penguin** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 6:14 pm

George Bush was receiving his daily briefing yesterday from Donald Rumsfeld. At the close of the meeting Rumsfeld said "one other thing Mr. President - three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday".

Bush looked at Rumsfeld and slowly lowered his head into his hands. Rumsfeld, moved by the President's emotional outburst, headed for the door.

Before he left Bush looked up - "Don - just one last thing..."

"Yes Mr. President".

"Exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

DarkPrime · Post by **DarkPrime** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 6:22 pm

What is George BushÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s opinion of Roe vs. Wade?

He doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t care what method the people in New Orleans use to get out.

Brazillian Cara · Post by **Brazillian Cara** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:34 pm

What happens when the world's strongest lance rams into the world's strongest shield?

Both broke!

Adam Adamant · Post by **Adam Adamant** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 5:29 pm

I don't get it.

Grant · Post by **Grant** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 6:17 pm

MORE AMAZING GRAND PARTY JOKES
courtesy of Grant Pardee, who is possibly amazing.

What did the dead baby get for Christmas?
Nothing. It was dead.

What do you tell a woman with a black eye?
I'm sorry I punched you.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
Her mother accidentally left the door open one afternoon.

How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one.

What did Magic Johnson say to the prostitute?
"I can't have sex with you. I have AIDS."

What did the gay condom say to the other gay condom?
Condoms can't talk nor have sexual preferences.

Brazillian Cara · Post by **Brazillian Cara** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 7:19 pm

What does a water bubble and virginity have in common?
One prick, all gone. (chinese saying)