Nothing Good Ever Comes From Alabama

Zeta · Post by **Zeta** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:20 pm

This weekend was pretty bad. I mean, I've had worse, certainly. And while some of it wasn't boring, it's perhaps something I want to block out soon. So I'm putting it to text so that I can safely dump my memory.

Let's see, Friday I went to see Alan. Alan bought a Styx album and the Master and Commander soundtrack. At least MaC has no synthesizers that I'm aware of.

I was also extremely dissapointed to learn that "Domo Arigatou, Mr. Roboto" is NOT actually about a robot. But about a man disguised as a robot. Man, that sucks. A song about a robot on the run from the Japanese law is cool. A song about a man dressed up as a robot on the run from the law is just sort of silly.

Not to mention that the Japanese are not well-known for an anti-rock n roll stance.

Oh, and I got to see KSU. Which kicks Tri-County's ass without even trying. I mean, damn. We have a big deal about getting three new classrooms. KSU has new dorms and buildings and a pool. My college sucks. I knew that before, but never the exact scale of it.

So we picked up Sean and Jason and watched Jason go on a Magic binge. And I saw Berry. And Berry's dorms. Which are scary. It's like if you compressed all the mess and slovenlyness of your average male college student into a closet. I feared for my LIFE and sanity.

Then we ended up keeping Sean for the night. Alan and Sean got wasted while watching Master and Commander while I amused myself with "Pirates!". Which was OK - but it would be better if they were flying.

I tried to get some sleep, but I didn't get much. My wisdom teeth started to really hurt! And I kept on hearing the bell from MaC for hours on end.

Anyways, the next afternoon, Sean wanted to go to Alabama to meet some girl he met on OKCupid. I really didn't want to go. I mean, it was fucking Alabama. Calling it the "armpit of America" is generious. It's more like the fetid pubic hair of the USA. Making Florida it's wang, naturally. I miss that wang.

So anyways, I really didn't want to go. But I didn't want to dissapoint Alan, either - who for reasons still unclear to me was really excited about the whole situation. He seems to have been to Alabama before from the way he spoke - but it must've been some other state he had confused with Alabama. So Alan's acting all bouncy and excited so I give in.

Man, that was one LONG fucking trip. My ass still hurts. So let's see - we saw a Green Wal*Mart. I'm not sure what the story was behind that. Perhaps the painting team was color blind? "Green, what are you talking about?! It looks FINE!"

Or it could've been the department store o' the little people! From the emerald isles! With shamrocks and blue moons! Green clovers! Catch me lucky charms!

Oh, and we saw an insane asylum. I really felt like going there today and checking myself in for a couple of hours or something.

Oh, and we saw the Statue of Liberty. With a giant flame. Interestingly enough, we saw it from miles away. Bobby, with his crow-like mind, immediately desired it. Yet we foolishly ignored the sage advice of the young photographer - pressing on to Tennessee. What fools we were! It turns out this piss-ant town in Alabama was actually a suburb of fucking Atlanta.

Alan knew this, but was, I think - too afraid to disagree with Sean. Oy.

So we ended up going about three hours out of our way. We didn't get there till 10-11 PM. So everything in the town was pretty much closed.

And it turned out that the fucking flame that Bobby wanted to see was right next to their house. If we had just gone with Bobby's instinct to follow shiny things - God!

And what a naive peoples! I mean, I've had a good experience with meeting someone online. But even I met Alan for the first time in a public place. It's a little stupid to invite a stranger and three friends you met online over to your house around midnight.

So we were served popcorn and things of that nature. And we watched Napoleon Dynamite - which WAS better the second time around. And Tombstone. My God. I've never seen that movie all the way through, but I can still name 20 different quotes from it just from hanging around the syndicate. That's so very sad and scary.

Anywas, the two girls there were similar to female versions of Sean and Jason. Or Sean and a crossbetween Jason and Amanda. It was a little scary. The girl was bisexual in theory, but our prescence seemed to convince them that penis was actually a bad idea and they should reconsider it. I don't want to blame myself, but the homo-pheremones sent into the atmosphere by Alan and I may have had something to do with it.

So we went home. We left at 2 PM and didn't get home till 9 AM the next morning. The whole thing was painful. But it was fucking Alabama. I'm not sure what everyone else was expecting. It's like driving out into the middle of the Sahara and going "Where's the spa? The amusment park?!"

So we came home and Alan put on Hannibal and passed out. The movie really freaked me out. I couldn't sleep. So I ended up cleaning Alan's house. I know he was really bothered by the mess.

So, yeah. Not a very good weekend. Alan and I didn't get any alone-time. I'm sore. I've been to Alabama again. There were a couple of moments that were interesting or amusing. But otherwise it was kind of like the Iraqi war with less carbombs.

We went in there without a purpose or an exit strategy and paid the price for it. We had good reasons, seemingly - but they ended up being fabricated.

But man, that was a good milkshake. And I finally got a picture of Alan and I together. And Bobby's cat is too fucking cute.

And I got some interesting quotes out of it:

"I prefer to think of it as being a purveyor of happiness!" - Bobby

"Back off, he's mine, bitch!" "No man owns Alan Crocker!" - Me, Alan

"Wow, we sure drove a long way to see some lesbians." - Alan

"I'm suffering from swamp ass." - Sean

"Man! He's going to be like SOOO mad! Because it totally says he eats worms! And he DOESN'T!" - Alan

"Nothing good has ever come from, or WILL EVER come from Alabama." - Me

"SQUEEEEE!" - Crazy lesbian, on Kenshin

"This is such a boy movie! I have no problem with killing people - but only with explosions and missles! Not with walking and taking so long!" - Faye

"So pretty and shiny! Let's go to it!" - Bobby, on a flaming replica of Lady Liberty.

"What's the opposite of impulsive?" "Boring." - Me, Alan

But still, who the fuck keeps their friends around when their boyfriend or girlfriend comes over? That boy has the sex drive of a neutered slug!

Light Speed · Post by **Light Speed** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:23 pm

That is one long post. The last line gave me the general idea though.

Locit · Post by **Locit** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:26 pm

Someone sum up that bunch of words up there for me, please.

Zeta · Post by **Zeta** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:29 pm

My stupid boyfriend kept his drunken friends with us all weekend (including nights and sleeping), and dragged me on a 20-hour trip with said drunken friends to try to hit on some girls who turned out to be lesbians.

My boyfriend prefers joking about pirates with his friends to getting jiggy with me.

And it's starting to piss me off.

Light Speed · Post by **Light Speed** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:30 pm

Have you talked to him about it?

Locit · Post by **Locit** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:36 pm

and dragged me on a 20-hour trip with said drunken friends to try to hit on some girls who turned out to be lesbians.

Waaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit a minute...

Zeta · Post by **Zeta** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:40 pm

Have you talked to him about it?

Yeah. And I almost broke up with him before he did. He said that his friends needed him to be there for moral support since they have bad luck with women that tends to make them suicidal.

And that he thought there was going to be things for us to do in the piss-ant Alabama town (there were none).

And that he likes going on random, poorly-planned road-trips because impulsiveness makes life fun.

Still no response on the lack of sex, thing, though. If his heart could stand it, I'd start slipping viagra into his drinks.

Post by **Delphine** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 9:30 pm

You could just walk around naked when you two are together. That might help.

SuperKnux · Post by **SuperKnux** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 10:48 am

Zeta wrote:He said that his friends needed him to be there for moral support since they have bad luck with women that tends to make them suicidal.

How old are these kids..? 14?

I have bad luck with the ladies all the time, but I just download porn and it makes me feel better.

Double-S- · Post by **Double-S-** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 12:25 pm

You'd be surprised how many 7th graders have "girl trouble".

Dumb kids.

chriscaffee · Post by **chriscaffee** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 12:53 pm

You could just walk around naked when you two are together. That might help.

It could also not help.

Post by **Delphine** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 1:24 pm

chriscaffee wrote:
You could just walk around naked when you two are together. That might help.
It could also not help.

Shhh. You are ruining my dreams of naked gay men being naked and gay with each other.

Baba O'Reily · Post by **Baba O'Reily** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 2:57 pm

You are aware of this lovely invention called the internet?
And all of this lovely data in .jpg and .mpeg format known as pornography scattered across this wonderful invention?

Post by **Delphine** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 3:02 pm

...shut up. You're ugly, no one likes you, and your mom wanted an abortion but couldn't afford it.

Segata · Post by **Segata** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 3:19 pm

Delphine wrote:...shut up. You're ugly, no one likes you, and your mom wanted an abortion but couldn't afford it.

Post by **Delphine** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 3:44 pm

Maybe she wanted to keep her organs intact, hmm?

chriscaffee · Post by **chriscaffee** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 3:47 pm

It still sort of defeats your insult, because now the reasoning is different by your own admission.

Post by **Delphine** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 3:50 pm

I'm sorry, what? Gun porn?

chriscaffee · Post by **chriscaffee** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 4:01 pm

Is that an insult or a request? If the former, you also defeated that insult by your own admission in another topic. If the latter, I don't have such a thing, though I do have some gun pictures that I could post if you want.

Post by **Delphine** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 4:11 pm

You completely ruin all attempts at being silly.

Baba O'Reily · Post by **Baba O'Reily** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 4:19 pm

You're just mad that you lost.

Post by **Delphine** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 5:03 pm

I didn't know I was trying to win.

plasticwingsband · Post by **plasticwingsband** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 8:55 pm

That's what they all say.

Post by **Delphine** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 10:00 pm

WHY CAN'T I JUST SAY STUPID SHIT WITHOUT IT BEING A CONTEST

WOE

WOE

plasticwingsband · Post by **plasticwingsband** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 11:40 pm