Kutaragi, mein fuhrer
Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 12:19 pm
So I bought a PS3, then a week later the price drops. God's maniacal cackling aside (he likes to do this sort of thing to me), I like it. Quite a bit. It is big, excessive, elitist, and very, very Japanese. It's a game console for adults. Not just any stoner, beer-chugging, Homer Simpson idolizing trailer park adults - wine-drinking, Cuban cigar-smoking, business-section reading adults who spend their summers playing golf in Ireland.
The first thing I noticed is that it's big. At least the size of an Xbox. It's also glossy. This is the shiniest thing I've ever owned. Like a black mirror. Every time I touch it - even the slightest, gentlest, most delicate tap with freshly washed hands - I feel like I've marred it permanently. There are so many inputs. I've never seen this many ports on a game console. I like to consider myself technologically literate, but there are slots and switches on this machine I don't have the faintest clue what to do with. They could be for technology that has yet to be invented. It took me, like, three minutes just to figure out how to turn the thing on because even the power switch is a disparaging, touch-sensitive insignia. This machine is worth more than me and Sony knows it.
The PlayStation Store is very straightforward - charges are made using actual currency (dollars, yen, or whatever), which is more practical and far less corny than the Kool-Aid Point systems of Xbox Marketplace and Wii Shopping Channel. Kudos to Sony for not trying to abase my dignity with cheeseball marketing schtick. I would give them a double kudos for having the balls to release the world's first truly region-free game console (as I understand it, Japan and the US are even in the same blu-ray region), but while you can play any game on any system regardless of territory, it seems you can only purchase PS Store downloads with a credit card registered in the country you're buying from. That chaps my ass, because there's 3 times as much stuff on the Japanese PlayStation store as the squalid US store. Free stuff such as game movies and demos can be downloaded without any problems, but anything that requires a charge is off-limits unless you happen to have a credit card registered to a physical address in Japan. As I understand it, Sony has some kind of "point card" system in the works - with luck, those cards will be available to import through online retailers. Otherwise, I fear I have no hope of ever playing Piyotama.
Anyway, I downloaded a few demos. Gran Turismo HD is as shiny and elitist as the console itself - the lighting effects are particularly sweet. There are a few cars to unlock, but only one course that I can see. Playing it with the regular controller I realized how sorely I miss the vibration feedback. I remember years ago the original GT was the game that won me over to controller vibration in the first place - prior to that, I thought the notion absurd. GTHD does support a number of steering wheel peripherals, but I didn't really feel like unearthing my GT Force Pro for a demo, so. I ran a couple rounds with Ridge Racer 7 and Ninja Gaiden, but there's not much to say about either. Ridge Racer is a tech demo while Ninja Gaiden is the same game it was on Xbox except with richer textures. The rubber duckie game is cute and makes fun use of the Six Axis' tilt functions. I'd buy it if it were 3 or 4 bucks cheaper. I was really interested in FolksSoul for a while because I somehow got the impression it was an RPG - it turns out it's just a humdrum hack & slash of the Dynasty Warriors variety, though it does have some intriguing art direction.
By far and away the grand champion of the demo inspection is Mainichi Issho, which defies all description. It's based on characters from Doko Demo Issho, a sort of comical virtual pet sim that's apparently been around since the PS1 days. These two wacky cats, Toro and Kuro, do these news broadcast skits that are added 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes they talk about recent releases or miscellaneous schtick (like novelty mailboxes) and sometimes they just slap each other around, but it's so ridiculously Japanese and happy and wonderful that it positively rejuvenates my soul. When I sit and rack my brain with the sparse, pitiable, self-taught snippets of Japanese I know, I can only ever make out about a fourth of what the characters are saying (I do really awful on their occasional quizzes), but it's so chicken soup soothing I hardly care.
The only proper, full-blown game I got is Virtua Fighter 5, which I've actually had sitting on my shelf for months, along with the Virtua Stick High Grade. I have a very peculiar relationship with the VF series - it's like a delectable chunk of candy that's too rich for my constitution. I caress it lovingly and even take a cautious taste now and again, but it's been years and years since I've been able to give it the kind of commitment it deserves and indeed demands. People complain about this one because the training mode lacks the piont-by-point detail of VF4's, but really, who wants to sit through reams and reams of text just to learn how to play? The only way to appreciate a game of this unrivaled depth is to dive in and learn through trial and error.
I didn't play VF4 too extensively, but it's pretty obvious that this one isn't as huge an evolution. I seem to have lost nearly all the mad skillz I possessed in the VF2 era, though I am nonetheless surprised at how many combos I remember by instinct. Shun-di, my long-time favorite, has (finally) been given a couple of reversals. He now looks more like an actual old Chinese hermit with a thinner beard and some very impressive eyebrows. Vanessa, who was a bit muscularly gross in VF4, has been made super fine and shows enough cleavage to rival Itagaki's girls. Jacky and Lion still sound retarded. Sarah looks more and more ridiculous with each new iteration, leading me to believe that AM2's artists have absolutely no idea how to model an attractive blonde woman. Jeffry, while thankfully not as gay as he was in VF4, now sports thick forests of greasy body hair. Lau, who is, according to the story, suffering from a fatal disease, looks quite dead already. I still hate Brad and Goh, but the two new characters are cool. Eileen uses monkey kung-fu, which I've wanted to see in the series for years. I hated El Blaze until I actually saw him in combat - that dude is practically a midget. He's so short he totally stands out from the rest of the cast. I still find the overall art direction a bit on the brash side - VF3 was the pinnacle of the series as far as aesthetics, I think - but it's not as hard-edged as the last one.
So yeah, it turns out that I am still Kutaragi's boy. 360 is fun in a quaint sort of way with all its silly "achievements" and "gamer rankings" and like fluff. Wii is cute if you wear Hot Topic T-shirts and can aspire to no greater gaming joy than waiting for your grandmother to finish waving a magic wand around so you can have your turn playing a tennis game that in terms of depth and structure would be equally at home on an Atari 2600. But there's no such debauchery in Sony's world. The PS3 is dollars, gloss, and unapologetic white elitism. It gives me hope for the future.
I think next I might buy a private island off the coast of Dubai.
The first thing I noticed is that it's big. At least the size of an Xbox. It's also glossy. This is the shiniest thing I've ever owned. Like a black mirror. Every time I touch it - even the slightest, gentlest, most delicate tap with freshly washed hands - I feel like I've marred it permanently. There are so many inputs. I've never seen this many ports on a game console. I like to consider myself technologically literate, but there are slots and switches on this machine I don't have the faintest clue what to do with. They could be for technology that has yet to be invented. It took me, like, three minutes just to figure out how to turn the thing on because even the power switch is a disparaging, touch-sensitive insignia. This machine is worth more than me and Sony knows it.
The PlayStation Store is very straightforward - charges are made using actual currency (dollars, yen, or whatever), which is more practical and far less corny than the Kool-Aid Point systems of Xbox Marketplace and Wii Shopping Channel. Kudos to Sony for not trying to abase my dignity with cheeseball marketing schtick. I would give them a double kudos for having the balls to release the world's first truly region-free game console (as I understand it, Japan and the US are even in the same blu-ray region), but while you can play any game on any system regardless of territory, it seems you can only purchase PS Store downloads with a credit card registered in the country you're buying from. That chaps my ass, because there's 3 times as much stuff on the Japanese PlayStation store as the squalid US store. Free stuff such as game movies and demos can be downloaded without any problems, but anything that requires a charge is off-limits unless you happen to have a credit card registered to a physical address in Japan. As I understand it, Sony has some kind of "point card" system in the works - with luck, those cards will be available to import through online retailers. Otherwise, I fear I have no hope of ever playing Piyotama.
Anyway, I downloaded a few demos. Gran Turismo HD is as shiny and elitist as the console itself - the lighting effects are particularly sweet. There are a few cars to unlock, but only one course that I can see. Playing it with the regular controller I realized how sorely I miss the vibration feedback. I remember years ago the original GT was the game that won me over to controller vibration in the first place - prior to that, I thought the notion absurd. GTHD does support a number of steering wheel peripherals, but I didn't really feel like unearthing my GT Force Pro for a demo, so. I ran a couple rounds with Ridge Racer 7 and Ninja Gaiden, but there's not much to say about either. Ridge Racer is a tech demo while Ninja Gaiden is the same game it was on Xbox except with richer textures. The rubber duckie game is cute and makes fun use of the Six Axis' tilt functions. I'd buy it if it were 3 or 4 bucks cheaper. I was really interested in FolksSoul for a while because I somehow got the impression it was an RPG - it turns out it's just a humdrum hack & slash of the Dynasty Warriors variety, though it does have some intriguing art direction.
By far and away the grand champion of the demo inspection is Mainichi Issho, which defies all description. It's based on characters from Doko Demo Issho, a sort of comical virtual pet sim that's apparently been around since the PS1 days. These two wacky cats, Toro and Kuro, do these news broadcast skits that are added 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes they talk about recent releases or miscellaneous schtick (like novelty mailboxes) and sometimes they just slap each other around, but it's so ridiculously Japanese and happy and wonderful that it positively rejuvenates my soul. When I sit and rack my brain with the sparse, pitiable, self-taught snippets of Japanese I know, I can only ever make out about a fourth of what the characters are saying (I do really awful on their occasional quizzes), but it's so chicken soup soothing I hardly care.
The only proper, full-blown game I got is Virtua Fighter 5, which I've actually had sitting on my shelf for months, along with the Virtua Stick High Grade. I have a very peculiar relationship with the VF series - it's like a delectable chunk of candy that's too rich for my constitution. I caress it lovingly and even take a cautious taste now and again, but it's been years and years since I've been able to give it the kind of commitment it deserves and indeed demands. People complain about this one because the training mode lacks the piont-by-point detail of VF4's, but really, who wants to sit through reams and reams of text just to learn how to play? The only way to appreciate a game of this unrivaled depth is to dive in and learn through trial and error.
I didn't play VF4 too extensively, but it's pretty obvious that this one isn't as huge an evolution. I seem to have lost nearly all the mad skillz I possessed in the VF2 era, though I am nonetheless surprised at how many combos I remember by instinct. Shun-di, my long-time favorite, has (finally) been given a couple of reversals. He now looks more like an actual old Chinese hermit with a thinner beard and some very impressive eyebrows. Vanessa, who was a bit muscularly gross in VF4, has been made super fine and shows enough cleavage to rival Itagaki's girls. Jacky and Lion still sound retarded. Sarah looks more and more ridiculous with each new iteration, leading me to believe that AM2's artists have absolutely no idea how to model an attractive blonde woman. Jeffry, while thankfully not as gay as he was in VF4, now sports thick forests of greasy body hair. Lau, who is, according to the story, suffering from a fatal disease, looks quite dead already. I still hate Brad and Goh, but the two new characters are cool. Eileen uses monkey kung-fu, which I've wanted to see in the series for years. I hated El Blaze until I actually saw him in combat - that dude is practically a midget. He's so short he totally stands out from the rest of the cast. I still find the overall art direction a bit on the brash side - VF3 was the pinnacle of the series as far as aesthetics, I think - but it's not as hard-edged as the last one.
So yeah, it turns out that I am still Kutaragi's boy. 360 is fun in a quaint sort of way with all its silly "achievements" and "gamer rankings" and like fluff. Wii is cute if you wear Hot Topic T-shirts and can aspire to no greater gaming joy than waiting for your grandmother to finish waving a magic wand around so you can have your turn playing a tennis game that in terms of depth and structure would be equally at home on an Atari 2600. But there's no such debauchery in Sony's world. The PS3 is dollars, gloss, and unapologetic white elitism. It gives me hope for the future.
I think next I might buy a private island off the coast of Dubai.