Turkey and a randy Irishman.
Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 10:27 am
I had the best Thanksgiving ever.
I was eating at my mom's friend's house, right? Well, her friend had this Irish boyfriend. I swear, he's the nicest guy you'd ever meet. Anyway, once my mom and her friend and her friend's friend leave the room, he starts talking about how smart I am and stuff.
And then he starts bringing up politics.
So, I sit there pretending to read this magazine on International Affairs while he rants on about political shit and the like.
And he offers me a drink several times. Normally, I wouldn't refuse, but I wasn't willing to take the risk with my mom around. And then he asks me if I want some Pepsi. I refuse, but he pours me a cup anyway. This gesture struck me as odd, so I cautiously sniffed it. He hurriedly exclaims that he "Thinks it's some sort of Vanilla Pepsi". After letting it sit for a while, you could see the alcohol separating itself from the Pepsi. I didn't mind, but I was still freaked out by the fact that he tried to drug me, Especially since prior to that moment, he was talking to me and my mom about his hijinks back on his Irish farm as a boy with 13 other brothers and sisters. Especially since these hijinks involved a tree.
And it gets better; everyone was too drunk to drive us home, so we had to spend the night. Oh, and he mentioned that he was bi, so I was seriously starting to get worried. I'd have slept with one eye open, but the turkey was starting to have it's way with me, so I conked out.
Thankful that my rectum was still intact, we left with a bag of leftovers, among which included brownies and apple pie, both of which everyone conveniently forgot to tell me about. While me, my mom and her friend are driving home, my mom tells her friend that her boyfriend was making sexual advances towards her. 'Innuendos', she called it. Anyway, her friend flips out and calls him. By now, my mom is pretty worried that she'd be an asshole for telling her, but she's too good of a friend to let something like that go unnoticed.
So now, the entire time we're driving home, she's screaming "EMMIT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE TRYING TO GET SOME IN OUR OWN HOUSE YOU DIRTY CUNTLAPPER ARE YOU TRYING TO HURT ME WELL GO AHEAD SHOOT ME STAB ME I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE I'M GONNA CUT IT OFF" while speeding through a turnpike at 80 mph.
Once we get to the house, my mom elaborates on these 'innuendos'. That is, she tells me about how the guy came into the kitchen completely naked. If I were awake at the time, I would've put his schlong in a pretzel knot. Fortunately, this wasn't the case. Naturally, she turned him down - She even threatened to set it aflame with her lighter, in fact.
Oh, and another twist; according to my mom, the guy was just mad because her friend never told him about how she had AIDS and all. So yeah, how was your Thanksgiving?
I was eating at my mom's friend's house, right? Well, her friend had this Irish boyfriend. I swear, he's the nicest guy you'd ever meet. Anyway, once my mom and her friend and her friend's friend leave the room, he starts talking about how smart I am and stuff.
And then he starts bringing up politics.
So, I sit there pretending to read this magazine on International Affairs while he rants on about political shit and the like.
And he offers me a drink several times. Normally, I wouldn't refuse, but I wasn't willing to take the risk with my mom around. And then he asks me if I want some Pepsi. I refuse, but he pours me a cup anyway. This gesture struck me as odd, so I cautiously sniffed it. He hurriedly exclaims that he "Thinks it's some sort of Vanilla Pepsi". After letting it sit for a while, you could see the alcohol separating itself from the Pepsi. I didn't mind, but I was still freaked out by the fact that he tried to drug me, Especially since prior to that moment, he was talking to me and my mom about his hijinks back on his Irish farm as a boy with 13 other brothers and sisters. Especially since these hijinks involved a tree.
And it gets better; everyone was too drunk to drive us home, so we had to spend the night. Oh, and he mentioned that he was bi, so I was seriously starting to get worried. I'd have slept with one eye open, but the turkey was starting to have it's way with me, so I conked out.
Thankful that my rectum was still intact, we left with a bag of leftovers, among which included brownies and apple pie, both of which everyone conveniently forgot to tell me about. While me, my mom and her friend are driving home, my mom tells her friend that her boyfriend was making sexual advances towards her. 'Innuendos', she called it. Anyway, her friend flips out and calls him. By now, my mom is pretty worried that she'd be an asshole for telling her, but she's too good of a friend to let something like that go unnoticed.
So now, the entire time we're driving home, she's screaming "EMMIT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE TRYING TO GET SOME IN OUR OWN HOUSE YOU DIRTY CUNTLAPPER ARE YOU TRYING TO HURT ME WELL GO AHEAD SHOOT ME STAB ME I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE I'M GONNA CUT IT OFF" while speeding through a turnpike at 80 mph.
Once we get to the house, my mom elaborates on these 'innuendos'. That is, she tells me about how the guy came into the kitchen completely naked. If I were awake at the time, I would've put his schlong in a pretzel knot. Fortunately, this wasn't the case. Naturally, she turned him down - She even threatened to set it aflame with her lighter, in fact.
Oh, and another twist; according to my mom, the guy was just mad because her friend never told him about how she had AIDS and all. So yeah, how was your Thanksgiving?