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"Don't step in the leadership"

Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:49 pm
by Green Gibbon!
I can almost understand how the tie-wearing executives in Sega's upper echelon might not realize that the new Sonic game they've propagated is unplayable. These are people, after all, who spend their six hours of free time a week listening to Il Divo and reading James Lee Burke novels. The last time any of them was likely to have physically played a game was during the Carter administration. By all accounts, Sonic 360 looks and sounds good, and it would be easy for even a seasoned player to mistake it for a quality title upon first blush. HOWEVER. Even a deaf and blind old woman who has never played a videogame in her long life, lying in a puddle of her own excrement upon her death bed, would have the senses to discern, after roughly 30 seconds of playtime, that Sonic the Hedgehog Genesis is bullshit. It's one thing to fail at constructing from the ground up a new piece of software, but it takes some special effort to start with a functional game that has withstood the test of time and ruin it. I understand that the GBA's CPU is insufficient for accurate Mega Drive emulation, but this feels like somebody smashed the mechanics with a hammer then glued them back together the wrong way. Poor old Oguchi and Tsurumi can hardly be blamed for failing to grasp the Sonic 360 conundrum, but even a bourgeois white mind corrupted with senility and Il Divo could discern that Sonic Genesis is a fourth rate hack job. Yet even knowing this, they let the game go to market, so their exact motive remains a mystery. My own personal hypothesis is that Tsurumi's grandson reprogrammed Sonic onto the GBA as a school project, and said homework was rushed to market perhaps out of misguided grandfather love. (Fortunately, as I understand it, the emulation in the PSP Genesis Collection is of good quality, so players desiring to squint over a handheld rendition of the cornerstone block in the franchise aren't totally without recourse.)

And now for something completely... the same. Big Smile, after weeks of stalking and coercion of loved ones, has managed to corner Sonic Rivals producer Taylor Miller for a little tete-a-tete. Since this is the first time the GHZ has ever had anything as relevant as a developer interview, the article has a temporary home in the forum until I can whip up a permanent nook on the main site: <a href="/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1872">viewtopic.php?t=1872</a>. Miller makes a couple of interesting comments about the game's evolution, most notably regarding the involvement of our old friend Br'er Iizuka. Pass a glance at Smile's handiwork and become enlightened.

The <a href="/sonic/stf/stf.html">Sonic the Fighters</a>, <a href="/sonic/3d/son3d.html">Flickies' Island</a>, <a href="/sonic/g_sonic/g_sonic.html">G Sonic</a>, and <a href="/sonic/school/school.html">Sonic's Schoolhouse</a> pages have been updated. Note that my only recourse for translating the kanji-rich StF command lists was brother Breen's fabulous WWWJDIC, which is not quite fabulous enough to interpret context, so the exact romanizations should be taken with a grain of salt. Aid from a more skilled speaker would be welcome, as though I thought I wasn't the only soul on this green earth who cares about having an accurate translation of a decade old and largely forgotten fighting game. ANYWAY. Now that Saturn emulation is approaching a point of playability, I was able to get some good new screenshots for the Flickies' Island and Sonic Jam pages (the latter hasn't yet been updated as of this writing), but it seems that the valiant SSF still chokes up on the demanding Sonic R. As usual, some of the other pages have been tweaked and brushed up and I've fortified the <a href="/museum/1990.html">museum timeline</a> with greater detail and a more uniform layout. Please feel free to browse and give my life meaning.

Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 10:02 pm
by Shadow Hog
I'm half-surprised you didn't mention the <i>Sonic 3D</i> beta that was dumped recently, seeing as you were updating the page anyway. Other than that, no complaints here.

Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 10:07 pm
by Green Gibbon!
I also don't know if that's an appropriate usage of the word "adroit" on the StF page. I found in on and it looked cool.

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 12:59 am
by Segaholic2
I'm just a tad bit confused how you switched focus from Sonic 360 to Sonic Genesis in the first paragraph. It was rather abrupt.

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:00 am
by Green Gibbon!

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:11 am
by FlashTHD
Why toss the titles for each year in the museum? Corny as they were, they were fitting and helped set a theme for the reader. For that matter, why eliminate the entire intro to the museum index too? Some of these layout changes you've made seem to rob the site of personality somehow.

In any event,

-- In Flickies' Island, if you have any type of Barrier, the Flickies trailing behind get barriers of their own, making them invulnerable.

-- "Eggman's boss contraptions are a bit less sturdy than usual and will go down after a mere 5 spins." True for the first two, not for the others. I forget how many Gene Gadget's took, but i'm pretty sure the third, fourth, and fifth bosses take a full 8. Spring Stadium's boss speeds up with each hit. Diamond Dust's loses a snowblower and speeds up with each hit.

-- I notice this line got erased: "The names are starting to get really weird, which can only mean one thing: you're close to the end." I don't know about your definition of weird but that's been consistently true: "Scrap Brain", "Lava Reef", "Scrambled Egg", "Electric Egg", "Panic Puppet", "Final Egg", ect. ect...

-- "fires off a series of aerial missiles which rain back down onto the arena at random points." Not random, they track your movements and each one crashes down wherever you're standing.

-- After collecting all the Emeralds in Flickies' Island, playing a Special Stage will have you racing to collect an extra life instead.

-- "They can only be damaged on their sizable windshields - venture a poke anywhere else and you'll take damage, even if the surface looks smooth." Untrue. I'm quite certain of this.

-- You accidentally cut out the note for G Sonic's Special Stages about there not being any damaging obstacles but it's hard enough to be in the right place at the right time due to the shit graphics. Or if that was intentional...well, whatever.

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:34 am
by Green Gibbon!
I was running out of cataclysmic historical events.

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:43 am
by Shadow Hog
The Quality Holocaust?

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 4:56 am
by Ngangbius
You mean the Sonicaust!

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:33 am
by Pepperidge
Gibbon!, I still disapprove of you dumping the "child abuse" line on the G Sonic page. That was, like, the funniest thing on the site!

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 2:54 pm
by Brazillian Cara
Also, in StF, you don't get a chance to continue if Eggman beats you- you go straight to the "Name Entry" screen (at least, in the SGC port).

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 2:58 pm
by Delphine
You forget to talk about how you eat doggie poo.

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 4:58 pm
by Green Gibbon!
Piranha bats based on Bata-bata. They leap into the air from beneath bridges to munch on hedgehog pootie.
I actually giggled out loud when I wrote that. Should I be ashamed?

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 5:06 pm
by Crazy Penguin

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 5:25 pm
by Arcade
So, I better just buy a Tails doll instead of any new Sonic game?

I Have Riders, is not that bad...

Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 1:14 pm
by Frieza2000
Metal Sonic has the moves of every character in the game at his disposal
You make it sound like he can use every move. You might say that all of the moves are ripoffs of other characters' moves, but he certainly doesn't bust out a Piko Piko hammer or do any kind of spin dashing.

Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 6:32 pm
by FlashTHD
And what happened to his "cheap-ass laser shot" attack which you happen to have a screenshot of?

Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 6:52 pm
by Brazillian Cara
On a side note, I think it is a "simulation" of Espio's tongue attack (both are long-ranged, and stun the target).

Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 7:57 am
by Wooduck51
GG!, it seems that in your quest to make the museum pages better, they are losing the uniqueness that makes them so great, your sense of humor. They are starting to come off as dry encyclopedia entries rather than living breathing descriptions of the games.

And what happened to the line about exchanging your soul for chaos emeralds back in the Sonic 2 page? that was brilliant.

Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 10:53 am
by Frieza2000
Then the consensus seems to be that we like your stuff, Gibs. We know you have low self-esteem, but a soulless semiprofessional facade doesn't suit those pages at all. Save it for the encyclopedia. Your wit is a staple of the GHZ. It's the only thing that makes reading those pages worthwhile.

Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 1:51 pm
by FlashTHD
Frieza2000 wrote:We know you have low self-esteem, but a soulless semiprofessional facade doesn't suit those pages at all. Save it for the encyclopedia. Your wit is a staple of the GHZ. It's the only thing that makes reading those pages worthwhile.

I was wondering how long it would take for anyone else to notice or care.

Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 8:00 pm
by Green Gibbon!
Huh, I wasn't aware my writing style had changed all that much. I certainly haven't been making any deliberate efforts to write with a more serious tone. I guess it's just old age.

Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 3:37 pm
by Arcade
But you have edited out the funny Sonic abusing on drugs than ended in labyrinth...

Look, is series of games about a fast blue Hedgehog vs. an evil villain that looks like a Egg and uses animals as organic batteries for robots. Trying to make it serious is stupid.

And that’s the main reason of why the new Sonic sucks, because after heroes we knew that Sega doesn’t know how to make decent 3D Sonic games anymore, there is no funny stuff, like we know Blaze gets angry if someone comments about her lack of something “up thereâ€￾, and nothing, not even a lame joke!.

Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 4:59 pm
by Frieza2000
It's not just a few jokes, but also your editorializing. The removal of your synopsis at the beginning and the labels for the timeline led me to assume you were trying to make it less bias.

I take back what I said about it being unsuitable. A wealth of information this nerdy is certainly suited for a sober suit-and-tie approach, I just prefer the way it's been. Still, without gems like "And they all lived happily ever after until Sonic Adventure, the end," it'd be a pretty tedious wealth of information, even for nerds. Not that it's reached that point. There's still plenty of personality in there to enjoy. I think we're just confused and concerned about why you deleted these lines.

Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 5:22 pm
by Green Gibbon!
Well, when I go back to update a page I don't literally "update" the text, I just scrap everything and rewrite it from scratch. It's not a nip and tuck so much as a full face transplant. I rarely look back at what I wrote before mostly because I can't stand any of it but also because it makes it more difficult to organize a clean slate. You guys seem to remember more of the old text than I do.