The GHZ Forum

There's no shortage of low-grade "best character of all-time" competitions in the sordid world of videogame media. The one thing they all have in common (apart from a general lack of creativity in the nomination of candidates) is that Link always wins. Invariably. This merits consideration. Out of the many hundreds - nay, thousands of colorful, unique, and imaginative faces that have surfaced in the 30+ year history of the medium, the one star that players consistently cite with reverence and admiration as the epitome of character design is a pointy-eared, homosexual pretty boy in tights. I'm not even going to begin to speculate about the social implications.

Though I don't expect to single-handedly enlighten the drone masses contributing to the collective consciousness, this is my humble homage to a handfull of the lesser-known yet highly memorable heroes, heroines, villains, villainesses, dogs, midgets, aliens, and NPC's of all persuasions found in the more obscure corners of videogame lore.

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Name: 1st boss of DJ Boy
Game: DJ Boy
Platform: arcade
Synopsis: Racial sensitivity is not on the menu, but fried chicken and watermelon probably are as demonstrated by this rotund refugee from the Aunt Jemimah camp. Among her moves are a sumo stomp, graceful pirouette, and a juicy green fart. O-W-T, out!
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Name: Otaku-chan
Game: Otaku no Seiza
Platform: Famicom
Synopsis: In the year 7000, women have conquered the world leaving men in a squalid, subservient social class known as "Otaku". Finally, one jowly pleb decides it's time to put those harlots in their place, so after a bizarre odyssey (involving lots of beautiful women), Otaku-chan manages to woo the goddess Maya, heralding a proud new era for the male species. You go, boy!
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Name: David Goldman
Game: Gekisha Boy
Platform: PC Engine
Synopsis: This aspiring cameraman for the Planet Times news agency has a "nose" for scoops. Wherever he slinks, perfect shots are likely to purkle forth like boils on an old man's back: alien invasions, flying cars, cross-dressing flashers... it's all fit to print. Pokémon Snap this ain't.
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Name: Otane Gouketsuji
Game: Gouketsuji Ichizoku
Platform: arcade
Synopsis: Having one foot in the grave won't stop this old biddy from kicking ass with the other. Surprisingly limber for her many (many) years, Otane can fling fireballs (and her dentures) as adeptly as men twice her size and a quarter of her age. She has a twin sister named Oume - in Groove On Fight (4th game in the series), they fight strapped back-to-back.
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Name: Dr. Emori
Game: Linda³
Platform: PC Engine
Synopsis: This mustached physician is an expert of bionics and, despite a passing appearance to certain unsavory historical figures, takes good care of his patients such as young Linda (also pictured). Moreover, he is a loving father (his daughter, Sachiko). Note that the above screenshot is from the PlayStation remake - he looks quite different in the PCE original.
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Name: Florence
Game: Moon: Remix RPG Adventure
Platform: PlayStation
Synopsis: A young boy finds himself zapped into his RPG game Fake Moon and discovers that the peon enemies he's been mindlessly slaying are a kind and peaceful race. In order to make amends for his mass slaughter, he must perform community service for the residents, such as this colorful old man obsessed with hallucinogenic mushrooms.
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Name: nameless heroine
Game: Streaker
Platform: arcade
Synopsis: Years before Tecmo's buxom IP's were prancing around in G-strings and polygonal prostitutes were flashing poorly rendered tit in God of Suck, this stark naked pioneer was paving the way for videogame First Amendment rights. Her bold quest is the most distinguishing feature in an otherwise entirely forgettable eat-the-dots clone borne of the initial Pac-man craze.
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Name: Taisen Hot Gimmick dog
Game: Taisen Hot Gimmick
Platform: arcade
Synopsis: Mahjong is an innately boring game. In order to broaden its appeal to audiences beyond geriatric housewives and yakuza gambling rings, game designers have found it helps to include bubbly animated girls who take off their clothes when you win. Taisen Hot Gimmick happens to be the most legendary example of the genre thanks largely to this long-faced, cigar-smoking, break-dancing pooch who acts as master of ceremonies.
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Name: Reika Kangouji
Game: Getter Love!!
Platform: Nintendo 64
Synopsis: This malicious young woman of dubious pulchritude fervently stalks any and all hapless young men who happen to wander within eyeshot, effectively deterring any potential romances of a fairer nature. If you happen to blow your chances with all the other girls and end up with Reika, at least take comfort in the knowledge that her family is grotesquely rich.
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Name: Tsubohachi
Game: Rakugaki Showtime
Platform: PlayStation
Synopsis: Perhaps the sole representation of hard-drinking, pelvic-thrusting, cueball midgets in the entire history of videogames. Tsubohachi won't always respond to control inputs because he is an unruly drunkard, but excess damage can be recovered in a hurry with his trademark vomit attack (which also damages enemies).

That first boss and the naked chick were tempting, but I have to place my vote with the nerd who can subjugate/woo (and, I assume, bang) a freaking goddess.

The only characters I'm familiar with are the ones from Gouketsuji Ichizoku and Rakugaki Showtime, but I still had to go with Otaku-chan, mostly because he seems like the lovable loser you'd want to root for. I almost voted for the Taisen Hot Gimmick dog just because he looks like a bona-fide badass though.

I don't know who any of these guys are, so I'm going for the third one: Terry Bogard as re-imagined by a homosexual paparazzi photographer.

In the year 7000, women have conquered the world leaving men in a squalid, subservient social class known as "Otaku". Finally, one jowly pleb decides it's time to put those harlots in their place, so after a bizarre odyssey (involving lots of beautiful women), Otaku-chan manages to woo the goddess Maya, heralding a proud new era for the male species. You go, boy!

Fanservice AND combating misandry, in the same game? Count me in! Also... Maya?

オタクちゃん gets my vote, mainly for insane WIN, but also for admirable commitment to the cause and exemplar modesty by not seeking any recognition for his deeds. Of course, THG dog is a close one, and Otane is just awesome, but hey, 'taku saved the fucking world, suck his geek dick!

And I think it's just a matter of time before somebody uses Emori-hakase's GIF as his/ her avatar...

David Goldman, seeing as he's the only one with a real job.
... ok, so I picked him before I was aware there were profiles. But I'd pick him anyway, so there.

The Hot Gimmick dog also appears as the end boss to Gunbird 2.

My vote is for Florence, mainly because we need more old men addicted to hallucinogenic drugs.

(Also, I have something of an interest in Moon as a game - it sounds incredibly interesting and bizarre, much like some of Lov-de-Lic's other titles. Shame I can't find it anywhere.)

My vote goes to the naked girl, who has one up on all the other characters for being completely naked, and being vaguely appealing at that.

I probably wouldn't want to see half the rest of these guys naked, however.

Goldman. Because I always want to buy his game but then keep forgetting about it.

naked girl from Streaker, because well, is a naked girl!

I think Psikyo was using the dog as their official mascot for a little while. I'm not even totally sure Hot Gimmick is the first game he appeared in.


Speaking of obscure heroes: http://www.ikuze-gensan.com/game/index.html

Gensan lives! This is the first new one in, like, ten years - the poor guy's been relegated to the pachinko scene since about 1996.

They're also coming out with a Gensan.....anime, apparently.

Also, I'd like to bring to everyone's attention the site Hardcore Gaming 101, which has some (mostly) good write-ups on obscure games.

Protodude wrote:They're also coming out with a Gensan.....anime, apparently.

Also, I'd like to bring to everyone's attention the site Hardcore Gaming 101, which has some (mostly) good write-ups on obscure games.

Ahh yes, that site is great. One of my most clicked bookmarks~

Too bad Kalata sounds like a bitter Japanophile at times, and just plain laughable when he tries to find any redeeming qualities in utter pieces of garbage.
The other guys range from pretty competent and amusing to sub-stupid.

Arcade wrote:naked girl from Streaker, because well, is a naked girl!

Just go get Dead or Alive or something if that's all what you're looking for, man.

The Taisen Hot Gimmick dog won my vote instantly. The only reason Otaku-chan is winning is because he's the one character every other person here can relate to, you geeks. Oh but wait NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHING:


Name: No idea
Game: Tempo
Platform: 32X
Synopsis: This genteel entrepreneur of a grasshopper plays a variety of rolls throughout the short-lived series, serving primarily as the host of the Major Minor Show, the set upon which the entirety of the original game unfolds, as well as the protagonist's personal valet, where he fervently dusts the player off before each boss battle. He apparently takes great pleasure in pitting aspiring performers against each other in a dance-off to the death.

There is no way in hell a doctor with a Hitler mustache lifting up a skirt and grinning gets through this thing with no votes.

Ritz wrote:The only reason Otaku-chan is winning is because he's the one character every other person here can relate to, you geeks.

AHA! So that's why Link always wins in the other polls. I just knew it!

Yeah, because apparently everyone relates to a blond feminine faggyboy in tights.

Does that mean people at Gamefaqs all look like L-shaped Tetris blocks?

Segaholic2 wrote:Yeah, because apparently everyone relates to a blond feminine faggyboy in tights.

An obvious attempt at sarcasm, and an equally blatant case of denial.

Are my gay jokes that bad??
:(

1st boss of DJ Boy gets my vote.

where is the option to vote for Link, i dont see it

I voted for the Hot Gimmick Dog, because he has pockets in his fur.