A joke

[Rob-Bert]

Ritz post made me realize how little Scratch actually looks like a robot.

[Segaholic2]

A greedy young lady is the rightful heir to the vast fortune of her elderly mother, but is too impatient to wait for her to die of old age. She hires a famous hitman, named Artie, to do the job for her. Artie is an unusual bloke; money is of no real consequence to him, so he's willing to take the job on for cheap; one dollar, to be precise.

So the old lady goes to Safeway one day. Artie follows her in, grabs hold of her and chokes her to death. Unfortunately for Artie, there was a witness; he promptly chases after said witness and chokes him to death, too. By now, the police have arrived. He tackles the first one, choking him to death as well, before finally being apprehended.

Naturally, a triple murder at a local grocery store becomes a huge story across the nation. Newspapers across the country are put out, with headlines blaring, Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at Safeway.
(Also I guess the young lady is found out and placed under arrest, I dunno, she's really not that important)

My mother told me this joke. It is not funny.

[j-man]

Gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a pint, handing over a £20 note. Barman decides to test how intelligent the gorilla really is, and so pulls him a pint but only gives him £1 change. Gorilla doesn't seem to notice, and drinks in silence for a few minutes. Barman goes, "we don't get many gorillas in here," to which the gorilla replies, "£19 a pint, I'm not fucking surprised."

I swear we've done this whole thing before. I'll try to think of a new one next time.

[Delphine]

I once had a dog with no nose.

[Crazy Penguin]

Gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a pint, handing over a £20 note. Batman decides to test how intelligent the gorilla really is, and so pulls him a pint but only gives him £1 change. Gorilla doesn't seem to notice, and drinks in silence for a few minutes. Batman goes, "we don't get many gorillas in here," to which the gorilla replies, "£19 a pint, I'm not fucking surprised."

I made it better!

[K2J]

I once had a dog with no nose.

How did he smell?

[Delphine]

TERRIBLE.

[Oompa Star]

So a guy goes to a $10 hooker, and he gets the crabs. So he goes back to complain and the hooker says "What do you expect for ten dollars, lobster?"

[Delphine]

Why is there a fence around the cemetery?

Because people are dying to get in!

[j-man]

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?

The pilot, you racist.

[Delphine]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

[K2J]

I think this is far enough in the past to joke about...

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

[gr4yJ4Y]

I think this is far enough in the past to joke about...

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

For a while I got those two names mixed up and accidentally told that joke to the amusement or hostility of those around me.