Sloth Farming: a Treatise
Sloth Farming: a Treatise
Below I present my conclusions relating to sloths and their potential as an untapped and tasty source of meat. It is kind of like a modest proposal but I am suggesting we eat sloths, not the infant children of the poor of Ireland. Also it isn't really a satire as much as it is a business plan.
Sloth Farming: A Treatise
When you think about it, sloth meat has the potential to be pretty delicious My logic is as follows, and it is flawless. Veal is tender because the calf is not allowed to move for pretty much the entirety of its life. It pretty much just sits there and eats what it is given. Depressing? Yes. But stay with me here.
Now the sloth is an animal famed for, well sloth. The things sleep for 15-18 hours a day. However, they also have as much tissue as other animals of a comparable size. I do not know how long penned-in calves sleep, but I don't think it is in the same ballpark as sloths. This means we have on our hands a creature that is possibly even juicier than veal, and frankly a lot less depressing. I am not saying we even have to like kill them young. They can have relatively long, healthy lives before, um, the big sloth easy
Sloths also have curvy claws for hanging. This means that when poachers shoot them in the wild they sort of just keep hanging up out of reach. I think we can turn this to our advantage. We plant long rows of short trees, and prune the branches so that the sloths are easy pickin's.
Now I know what you are thinking: what a terrible idea. And you're probably right on a moral level of some sort, but I'm just going to keep typing and pretend you actually asked this environmental-ish question instead: are they endangered?
Well, not as far as I can tell. Within areas of the Central and South American rain forests they can account for as much as half the total energy consumption and two-thirds the total terrestrial mammalian biomass in some areas. Besides, we'd be importing them and starting up our own sloth populations, so it's totally cool, and probably only slightly illegal. They only have like one baby a year (provided a female runs into a male at some point during the odd quarter of the year they are not asleep) so we would probably have to pick up a good number of them. No I will not stop using the first person plural. You guys are totally in on this now.
The real problem here is that they need a tropical rain forest to thrive, or even survive for that matter. If we're going to keep this thing in the US, that leaves us with one option: Hawaii. I know, it's not going to be glamorous/relaxing/a beachside paradise or anything but wait yes it is. Besides, they are sloths. It is not like they are a high maintenance creatures. Basically they need a tree to hang from and leaves. I think we can provide this with little hassle. Plus it is not like they are going to run away or anything. Their ground speed is like a foot per minute.
Actually I kind of want to see one on the ground now. I think it would be kind of hilarious. Um, moving on then.
Moving the operation to Hawaii would also add more exotic-ocity to an already exotic-ish dish. I am pretty sure they have ways of cooking stuff to ensure it is tasty. It just seems like that kind of place, if someone that's been there could back me up on this it would be great. On a maybe fun maybe grisly note, we can use their curvy mandibles to our advantage again by serving them up hanging from a spit via their still functioning claws after like slow roasting them or something, I don't know. I'm just throwing ideas out. Testing the waters.
Of course if none of this works out and they taste like scrotum we could just raise emu. I am not the picky type. That is pretty much the whole idea. I guess I should end it in French or something.
~la fin du plan grand~
There we go.
Sloth Farming: A Treatise
When you think about it, sloth meat has the potential to be pretty delicious My logic is as follows, and it is flawless. Veal is tender because the calf is not allowed to move for pretty much the entirety of its life. It pretty much just sits there and eats what it is given. Depressing? Yes. But stay with me here.
Now the sloth is an animal famed for, well sloth. The things sleep for 15-18 hours a day. However, they also have as much tissue as other animals of a comparable size. I do not know how long penned-in calves sleep, but I don't think it is in the same ballpark as sloths. This means we have on our hands a creature that is possibly even juicier than veal, and frankly a lot less depressing. I am not saying we even have to like kill them young. They can have relatively long, healthy lives before, um, the big sloth easy
Sloths also have curvy claws for hanging. This means that when poachers shoot them in the wild they sort of just keep hanging up out of reach. I think we can turn this to our advantage. We plant long rows of short trees, and prune the branches so that the sloths are easy pickin's.
Now I know what you are thinking: what a terrible idea. And you're probably right on a moral level of some sort, but I'm just going to keep typing and pretend you actually asked this environmental-ish question instead: are they endangered?
Well, not as far as I can tell. Within areas of the Central and South American rain forests they can account for as much as half the total energy consumption and two-thirds the total terrestrial mammalian biomass in some areas. Besides, we'd be importing them and starting up our own sloth populations, so it's totally cool, and probably only slightly illegal. They only have like one baby a year (provided a female runs into a male at some point during the odd quarter of the year they are not asleep) so we would probably have to pick up a good number of them. No I will not stop using the first person plural. You guys are totally in on this now.
The real problem here is that they need a tropical rain forest to thrive, or even survive for that matter. If we're going to keep this thing in the US, that leaves us with one option: Hawaii. I know, it's not going to be glamorous/relaxing/a beachside paradise or anything but wait yes it is. Besides, they are sloths. It is not like they are a high maintenance creatures. Basically they need a tree to hang from and leaves. I think we can provide this with little hassle. Plus it is not like they are going to run away or anything. Their ground speed is like a foot per minute.
Actually I kind of want to see one on the ground now. I think it would be kind of hilarious. Um, moving on then.
Moving the operation to Hawaii would also add more exotic-ocity to an already exotic-ish dish. I am pretty sure they have ways of cooking stuff to ensure it is tasty. It just seems like that kind of place, if someone that's been there could back me up on this it would be great. On a maybe fun maybe grisly note, we can use their curvy mandibles to our advantage again by serving them up hanging from a spit via their still functioning claws after like slow roasting them or something, I don't know. I'm just throwing ideas out. Testing the waters.
Of course if none of this works out and they taste like scrotum we could just raise emu. I am not the picky type. That is pretty much the whole idea. I guess I should end it in French or something.
~la fin du plan grand~
There we go.
- Segaholic2
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If we really wanted to, we could probably plant some seeds or something in their fur. I mean hell, they already got algae growing there. Why not make it an entire buffet? Just got to make sure to water them on occasion.
It also seems someone out there is already in the habit of filling boxes up with sloths. Maybe we can contact these folks and negotiate prices.
It also seems someone out there is already in the habit of filling boxes up with sloths. Maybe we can contact these folks and negotiate prices.
Maybe we should listen to what they think about this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LAZgcC3jgo
But yeah, I go with holic. They seem pretty skinny to me.
I once ate llama, but it's not very good. Not that it has anything to do with this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LAZgcC3jgo
But yeah, I go with holic. They seem pretty skinny to me.
I once ate llama, but it's not very good. Not that it has anything to do with this.
Sloths fall squarely into my category of "things too cute to eat".
On a related note, what the fuck was it with that little mutant sloth dude in Marlon Brando's Island of Dr Moreau movie? Did that thing even have a name? Was that a really small midget or a puppet? It was the creepiest thing in the entire fucking film.
On a related note, what the fuck was it with that little mutant sloth dude in Marlon Brando's Island of Dr Moreau movie? Did that thing even have a name? Was that a really small midget or a puppet? It was the creepiest thing in the entire fucking film.
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